Note To Self…Just Do It!

img_4670

Okay…so I am a bit anxious at the moment.  Thoughts going through my head, unsupported/unsubstantial doubts and fears and internal fighting within myself.  I don’t know what brought it on this time, but here it is.

I am trying so hard to learn to not give in to my shame and guilt that my mind likes to take me to for protection.  I am trying really hard to face this and work toward and through it.  It is not easy and I keep falling back to the norm.  It seems I am fighting with myself all the time.

I am not trusting in myself to “speak my truth” enough.  I am getting there, I know I am, but I have a long way to go still.  It’s frustrating knowing I am feeling more and more like I can and then fall back to how I always am in giving in to my fears and doubts.  Avoiding conflict and hurt when I need to be facing it head on so I can move on with my life.  I think I am getting better, than right down that hole I go again!

What is wrong with me?!?! Ugh!

I have the most loving man that supports me, loves me, protects me and guides me.  I know I frustrate him at times, but he is my angel.  Yet I am stuck in my past and so damn scared to move, to cause havoc/chaos/conflict/hurt. What is that?!?

I have help through a counselor every week and have the support and learning of myself and ways to deal with things by talking and understanding what I am dealing with and moving forward in so many ways.

Sometimes I just want to run away from everything and everyone.  I know that is silly and not logical.  It will all catch up to me, of course, and then I am dealing with it all over again.  So, that won’t work.

I have so much ingrained in me that I have done for so long, especially the last 30 years or more, that just realizing this and trying to “fix” myself is damn hard! I want it to happen immediately. No waiting, no working through things…be done now!!

I want to be able to enjoy myself and the decisions I make to make me happy.  I want to not always worry about how I will affect others and make them feel.  I want to be happy and make others happy, yes, but I also want my making others happy as being part of my happy…does that make sense?

I have worked so hard on making those around me happy (yes, it does make me happy that they are happy), but it was to keep away conflict, hurt and others being upset.  It wasn’t always the right thing to do.  For this I have messed up my own boundaries and self-love and made them non-existent. Until recently.  Now I am trying to correct this and it is really hard!  Both for myself and for them.  For myself, because I have steered clear of the conflict, hurt and being upset and now I have to make myself deal with this.  For others, they are used to me being my accepting, do everything to make others happy self, and it causes what I have always avoided.

I wish there was just some switch in myself to flip on to make me automatically do it all now instead of learning to do it all, like new…I know what I need to do, it is just doing it, taking the action in what I have learned is the right thing for me to do.  I want to yell at myself to “Just Do It Already!”

*If you have taken the time to read this, thank you. I know I have a few of these posts here and it can be depressing to read. Or a “here she goes again” kind of thing. (Sorry about that) But, that is one of the reasons I started this blog, was to be able to share some of the things I go through. Hopefully with those that go through the same things as I do. (Which I have found many do) If I wasn’t sharing it here, I would be either writing it down in a book or on my computer. And I seem to get a bit more out of sharing here.  So, thank you for your time and understanding.*  

KK xx

*Beautiful piece of art found on Pinterest

12 thoughts on “Note To Self…Just Do It!

  1. Something I was reminded of as I read the first part of this where you speak of your fear and anxiety when I was a young man in college I was very worried about an exam and we were going on a break, Christmas I think I just had to know the grade before I left. The professor was a friend of mine and said to me your much to upset and worried about this he said what the worst that could happen. I throw out the lowest test of each student any way then he went on to explain to me always imagine the worst a thing could be and you will often find it isn’t that bad and even if the potential is there 90% of the time the worst never happens. Those words stuck with me I did have the test but he didn’t tell me till after the break but to this day I apply what he said to every worry I have and it helps.As for the rest trust in your partner trust in yourself your steadfast friends will adapt the ones that are using you will put up a fuss. It will hurt to cause chaos for you and for them most house cleanings do but I’m the end you have removed the useless clutter gotten rid of the infection on your soul and can move forward knowing who loves you for you. As with any unsolicited advice this isn’t worth anymore then the pixels that formed it if you find something useful use it if not simple ignore good luck and keep your chin up

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I don’t know if you are like me kat, but when I share something that is difficult or painful, if one person reads all of it then takes the time to leave a comment it somehow makes me feel some degree of love. I am that person sending you all the love I can, letting you know you can do this each time your mind leads you back here you learn more every time. I have had trauma in my past and yes it still cycles but I can do this I can beat it. So can you. Sending you loads of hugs and even prayers. Be well kat <3.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Tears brimming here because I feel the love. Thank you❣️ You are right it does help tremendously to know someone took the time to read my words and leave a comment. Especially when they are love and support as you both have left me. Thank you so much! ❤️xx

      Like

  3. Thank you for writing this, I found it to be very moving and can relate to a lot. One thing I read a while ago somewhere, if it’s at all helpful, is to try and not use the term ‘fix’ as it can perpetuate the notion of being broken and keep someone stuck. I try to think of myself as growing and healing instead as I searched for a ‘fix’ for a long time. I wanted to send support and strength your way kat xx

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you! You are right. I originally saw myself as broken and the reason I put “fix” in quotation marks. Like you say, I am growing and healing in myself, especially in the way I think learn new ways and do things. Thank you so much Kis❣️xx

      Liked by 1 person

  4. Hi, I’m new to your blog, but I feel like I can relate to this post. It’s difficult to share these sort of feelings because you don’t want to burden anyone (because you want people to be happy), but you know you feel better when you do and someone is there to listen. I’m reminded of a short story about filling yourself with as much self-love in your bucket so that you can continue to give and love others. Otherwise you will be empty with nothing more to give. Take some time away from everyone every now and then to take care of YOU! I totally get what you’re saying about being stuck in the past. I sometimes feel paralyzed with decisions for today, but everyday I try to make it a little easier for myself to make a decision. Giving myself wiggle room. I hope I’m making some sense, and I know it’s easier said than done.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so much! It’s nice to know we are not alone in these situations. Even though we are all different and deal with different things, it’s good to know the similarities connect us. What you are saying totally makes sense!xx

      Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s