Note To Self…Just Do It!

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Okay…so I am a bit anxious at the moment.  Thoughts going through my head, unsupported/unsubstantial doubts and fears and internal fighting within myself.  I don’t know what brought it on this time, but here it is.

I am trying so hard to learn to not give in to my shame and guilt that my mind likes to take me to for protection.  I am trying really hard to face this and work toward and through it.  It is not easy and I keep falling back to the norm.  It seems I am fighting with myself all the time.

I am not trusting in myself to “speak my truth” enough.  I am getting there, I know I am, but I have a long way to go still.  It’s frustrating knowing I am feeling more and more like I can and then fall back to how I always am in giving in to my fears and doubts.  Avoiding conflict and hurt when I need to be facing it head on so I can move on with my life.  I think I am getting better, than right down that hole I go again!

What is wrong with me?!?! Ugh!

I have the most loving man that supports me, loves me, protects me and guides me.  I know I frustrate him at times, but he is my angel.  Yet I am stuck in my past and so damn scared to move, to cause havoc/chaos/conflict/hurt. What is that?!?

I have help through a counselor every week and have the support and learning of myself and ways to deal with things by talking and understanding what I am dealing with and moving forward in so many ways.

Sometimes I just want to run away from everything and everyone.  I know that is silly and not logical.  It will all catch up to me, of course, and then I am dealing with it all over again.  So, that won’t work.

I have so much ingrained in me that I have done for so long, especially the last 30 years or more, that just realizing this and trying to “fix” myself is damn hard! I want it to happen immediately. No waiting, no working through things…be done now!!

I want to be able to enjoy myself and the decisions I make to make me happy.  I want to not always worry about how I will affect others and make them feel.  I want to be happy and make others happy, yes, but I also want my making others happy as being part of my happy…does that make sense?

I have worked so hard on making those around me happy (yes, it does make me happy that they are happy), but it was to keep away conflict, hurt and others being upset.  It wasn’t always the right thing to do.  For this I have messed up my own boundaries and self-love and made them non-existent. Until recently.  Now I am trying to correct this and it is really hard!  Both for myself and for them.  For myself, because I have steered clear of the conflict, hurt and being upset and now I have to make myself deal with this.  For others, they are used to me being my accepting, do everything to make others happy self, and it causes what I have always avoided.

I wish there was just some switch in myself to flip on to make me automatically do it all now instead of learning to do it all, like new…I know what I need to do, it is just doing it, taking the action in what I have learned is the right thing for me to do.  I want to yell at myself to “Just Do It Already!”

*If you have taken the time to read this, thank you. I know I have a few of these posts here and it can be depressing to read. Or a “here she goes again” kind of thing. (Sorry about that) But, that is one of the reasons I started this blog, was to be able to share some of the things I go through. Hopefully with those that go through the same things as I do. (Which I have found many do) If I wasn’t sharing it here, I would be either writing it down in a book or on my computer. And I seem to get a bit more out of sharing here.  So, thank you for your time and understanding.*  

KK xx

*Beautiful piece of art found on Pinterest

Not Good Enough

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Do you ever feel you are not good enough?

I have several times.  When my mind over-thinks and over-analyzes things that I have or haven’t done.  Where I think I failed in what I was trying to do. Me trying to make someone happy or make something happen that I feel will make others (along with myself) happy.  Feeling then overwhelmed with the feeling of failure or not being good enough.

It’s that mind taking over again.  I have worked on this so much recently and tried to make myself busy when I feel myself starting up this rehearsed thought process in my head.  I have been doing so much better.  Yet just these last few weeks it still crept through my thoughts and hit me once again.

I had to go to Daddy and tell him, as he coaxed it out of me, what I was feeling and why.  He then reassured me and pointed out why I had no reason to feel this way and how great I have been doing where this is concerned.  He told me I have grown by leaps and bounds since we first met and how I have gone from a scared little girl to a more confident woman.  That I may not see it because of the small increments I have gone by, but that he sees it all the time and is proud of me for it.

His saying this made me feel so much better!

I do see my improvements but I guess I feel frustrated because I don’t want to fall into this mind trap anymore.  Yet I continue to do so.  And I understand that we all go through it to some extent or another.  Just some of us more so.  We learn to deal with it in the best way that we know how to.  I am learning every day of new ways of dealing with these mind issues.

I know i am good enough.  I know it is taking me some time to learn what to do and put into practice those things that help me through.  I hope by doing so, and sharing with you here, that I might can help others going through the same issues to understand they are good enough too.

KK xx

*Pic from Pinterest and From up North

Do you ever get scared?

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Do you ever get scared?

Being the over thinking, over analyzing person I am I do maybe a bit more than some.  Then again, maybe mine is like others as well.

Getting scared of things like making the wrong decisions; in relationships, things I do, things I say, people I contact, etc….  I don’t know if you would even call it scared. Maybe uncertainty, nervous, anxiety and things like that instead.

All I know is I have a lot of that any more.  Where I used to be confident in what I did, said, handled things, etc…, I no longer am that person anymore.  I really don’t get it.  Although, I am finding out so much more about me at this time in my life.  I am finding the me I never knew. I guess because I now have the time to do so.

I am finding this world that I have just existed on, has so much more to offer and to see than I ever knew.  I never opened myself up to more until recently and wow, there is so much to experience and be a part of! I want to get outside this box I have been living in and do so much more.  I’m excited about the thought, yet scared at the same time.

So here I am back to the initial thought.  Is it scared or something more?

KK xx

*Pic shared from Pinterest

Once again…

Once again, my mind is going non-stop…over-thinking, over-analyzing, emotional…

The more I learn about myself the more I feel there is more to learn. Why would a person need to understand herself? Would she not know already? What is the deal?!?

I know I am definitely learning how to deal with things better; even with my mind running as it does. I catch myself more and more learning and acting on my boundaries and not getting overwhelmed by things, people and situations.

And I know I am blessed to be sensitive to others and their feelings, but damn it’s so overwhelming and frustrating sometimes!!

Anyway, just had to get those thoughts out of my system,

Thanks for letting me share❣️💋

KK xx

*Painting by Loui Jover

I don’t know…

I don’t know what has gotten in to me this past week…PMS, anxiety, feeling of complete overwhelming, any of these things could be the culprit, but I just know it has thrown me off this week.  It makes me frustrated and not liking myself in the least.  I feel I try to get things done and can’t.  I feel I have so many projects in the works and can’t even finish one.  It’s so frustrating and makes me feel inadequate in so many ways.

From the last year, I know this is part anxiety and trying to work with correcting things I let get the best of me.  I am working through them and doing what I can yet still feel bad.  My Daddy tries to make me feel better yet at times doesn’t understand. This is not his fault and thank goodness he continues to try!

Just had to jot this down and now will work on my post…

KK xx

Exhausting…

I have always held things in, made sure all around me were happy, acting like I was okay at all times. Had always been told that no one wants to hear your problems because they don’t care and being down brings others down. Didn’t want others to worry about me, I would be okay and there are so many others out in the world dealing with things much worse than me.

But doing this all the time wears a person down, makes a person feel they are alone and is completely exhausting. So much so a person will start looking elsewhere for happiness and understanding.

I know. I have been there. More than once. I am learning to deal with these things and to realize when I am getting to the point where I need to stop, take a breath, and know it’s time to work with boundaries, self-love, and work through the thought and actions bringing me down.

It’s taking time and understanding, but I am getting there and know there are others out there doing the same.

Love you all❣️

KK xx

*Picture/meme from Pinterest