*Photo from Pixabay
Well, I wrote this because it was something that hit me as I have been reading other posts and listening to a couple of podcasts this morning.
Then a light bulb went off in my head that it coincides with Brigit Delaney’s Erotic Journal Challenge for this week, “When did you discover your own sexuality?” At least a bit…
Thinking back to my younger years, I can see I was definitely a sexual being. Maybe that is how most are, but growing up in the land of the bible belt and not being sexually informed, but for a sex ed class, I knew barely anything about sex. Being fingered by a young boy that doesn’t know what he is doing, or rubbing my cunt on a teddy bear to feel pleasure, etc…are just a few memories of my young sexual self. There were plenty of boys I had crushes on as I was growing up, but I didn’t really have an “official” boyfriend until the summer of my junior year in high school, with my first knock-me-off-my-feet-kiss and the joy of being “felt up”, which only lasted during the summer. Then there was the summer of my senior year, which also didn’t last long (which I believe was because I wouldn’t have sex then as well, even though I wanted to so badly) because once again, my shame of what that might mean and what might happen.
I have learned so much about myself in the last few years. Reading other sex bloggers’ posts shows me I was definitely a “late bloomer” as I always thought (having my first penetrative sex at age 20). And I am pretty positive that I am one of the older bloggers (once again the late bloomer) here in writing.
I have a confession to make….(*both hands over face) I have fudged on my age. One reason is protection, so that if someone in my family found out about this blog, they wouldn’t put two and two together (regarding age and what I write about) that it is me. The second reason is I am embarrassed or “ashamed”, for whatever reason, that I am older and just getting into this world of sex/BDSM/writing/blogging.
In the last, let’s say, six years is when my whole world began to change. I felt, prior to this, that there was something missing but was not sure what. Then I started reading books to escape my life and things going on in it. I have always loved reading and the escape you get by losing yourself in a book. I admit, 50 Shades was one of the groups of books I read that turned my mind and brought an understanding of what might be missing. However, knowing the criticism against her writing and what the books misrepresented made me continue looking for more books and reading in the subject of BDSM and what all this new world was about. I started researching and talking to people on social media. Once I had more information I realized what was missing in my life and how to go about possibly getting my needs met. But by doing this I would disrupt everything, shake it up and change it. This scared the shit out of me!
Doing this modification at this time wasn’t only about this transformation, but my marriage was failing and I had tried so many times to “fix” it and make things right. You can’t fix something if the other person doesn’t admit there is a problem and that something needs to be fixed and worked on.
This is something I will have to write about another day. We both were responsible for our failed marriage and I will never ever blame him for all of it, no matter how big a part each of us played. But it played a major role in my changing, realizing I had a problem along with acknowledging I needed a change in my life.
With my awareness and research, I ended up writing a book. My first one. And I know it’s not great, but it is mine. After doing that I understood that I love writing and wanted to do more. But I didn’t know how to go about it. So, I just enjoyed social media and did really well with that. Sharing pictures and enjoying getting to know other people there and developing some great friendships.
That is where I met Daddy. We had an immediate connection and have developed into a wonderful relationship since. He supports me in all that I do and he is the one that introduced me to Kayla and John’s podcast “Loving BDSM”! He even supported and encouraged me when I said I would like to start a blog so I could write more.
With my blog I am blessed because I have over 200 followers already and I know it can’t be from my inexperienced writing. (Or maybe it is because of that, who knows. Ha!) I have a feeling it is because of my wonderful followers on tumblr and Twitter. But I am amazed and so thankful. I have also found many that go through or have gone through similar experiences as I have. It is a wonderful community full of support and sharing.
Back on subject…now that I know and have experienced my own kink and D/s that I enjoy, I am happy and want to know more and experience more.
I feel free to be me. To share things that I was never able to share before. I love the friends I have made and love that I am adding to my knowledge so much. I have said it before, but I love learning. I soak it in and, even though I may not use what I have seen, heard or read about, or recognize that it’s not for me, I love that I am aware of the rich diversity of other people’s sexuality. It helps me to grow as a person.
I know, for myself, that reading what others write and share have helped me so I hope my love for writing and sharing returns that in kind.