Note To Self…Just Do It!

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Okay…so I am a bit anxious at the moment.  Thoughts going through my head, unsupported/unsubstantial doubts and fears and internal fighting within myself.  I don’t know what brought it on this time, but here it is.

I am trying so hard to learn to not give in to my shame and guilt that my mind likes to take me to for protection.  I am trying really hard to face this and work toward and through it.  It is not easy and I keep falling back to the norm.  It seems I am fighting with myself all the time.

I am not trusting in myself to “speak my truth” enough.  I am getting there, I know I am, but I have a long way to go still.  It’s frustrating knowing I am feeling more and more like I can and then fall back to how I always am in giving in to my fears and doubts.  Avoiding conflict and hurt when I need to be facing it head on so I can move on with my life.  I think I am getting better, than right down that hole I go again!

What is wrong with me?!?! Ugh!

I have the most loving man that supports me, loves me, protects me and guides me.  I know I frustrate him at times, but he is my angel.  Yet I am stuck in my past and so damn scared to move, to cause havoc/chaos/conflict/hurt. What is that?!?

I have help through a counselor every week and have the support and learning of myself and ways to deal with things by talking and understanding what I am dealing with and moving forward in so many ways.

Sometimes I just want to run away from everything and everyone.  I know that is silly and not logical.  It will all catch up to me, of course, and then I am dealing with it all over again.  So, that won’t work.

I have so much ingrained in me that I have done for so long, especially the last 30 years or more, that just realizing this and trying to “fix” myself is damn hard! I want it to happen immediately. No waiting, no working through things…be done now!!

I want to be able to enjoy myself and the decisions I make to make me happy.  I want to not always worry about how I will affect others and make them feel.  I want to be happy and make others happy, yes, but I also want my making others happy as being part of my happy…does that make sense?

I have worked so hard on making those around me happy (yes, it does make me happy that they are happy), but it was to keep away conflict, hurt and others being upset.  It wasn’t always the right thing to do.  For this I have messed up my own boundaries and self-love and made them non-existent. Until recently.  Now I am trying to correct this and it is really hard!  Both for myself and for them.  For myself, because I have steered clear of the conflict, hurt and being upset and now I have to make myself deal with this.  For others, they are used to me being my accepting, do everything to make others happy self, and it causes what I have always avoided.

I wish there was just some switch in myself to flip on to make me automatically do it all now instead of learning to do it all, like new…I know what I need to do, it is just doing it, taking the action in what I have learned is the right thing for me to do.  I want to yell at myself to “Just Do It Already!”

*If you have taken the time to read this, thank you. I know I have a few of these posts here and it can be depressing to read. Or a “here she goes again” kind of thing. (Sorry about that) But, that is one of the reasons I started this blog, was to be able to share some of the things I go through. Hopefully with those that go through the same things as I do. (Which I have found many do) If I wasn’t sharing it here, I would be either writing it down in a book or on my computer. And I seem to get a bit more out of sharing here.  So, thank you for your time and understanding.*  

KK xx

*Beautiful piece of art found on Pinterest

TMI Tuesday – 9/11

night time is the right time

Fill in the blank

1. When I can’t sleep I listen to sleep sounds or read.  I would say have sex, but not an option at the moment. 😉

2. My dream bedroom would be full of play toys and bdsm furniture.  Okay okay….can I have two bedrooms?…fluffy pillows, stuffies, sheer curtains and bunch of girlie stuff.

3. If I could wake up anywhere tomorrow it would be a place where I felt loved, protected and cherished all the time and somewhere far away for at least a few days. That’s not much to ask for, right?

4. I need to relax and do my thing at night. Now this could be anything…like reading, painting, having sex and orgasms, writing, having sex and orgasms (oh wait, I said that!)

5. To have no one around that loved me and understood me would truly be a nightmare.  I normally don’t have nightmares, that I know of, but I usually don’t remember my dreams, whether good or bad.

6. Night time is the right time to have sex and orgasms. 😉 Okay….sleep and rest.

Bonus: Briefly tell us about your last dream–erotic or not.  WELLLL…. I normally don’t remember my dreams. And I couldn’t tell you the last dream I did wake up and remember.  Although, I do have a lot of day dreams…of sex and orgasms….Hmmmm…I think I might need some of the sex and orgasms I keep mentioning. What do you think? Ha!

Well that was a lot of fun doing this TMI for the first time ever! Thank you!
KK xx

TMI Tuesday

Not Good Enough

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Do you ever feel you are not good enough?

I have several times.  When my mind over-thinks and over-analyzes things that I have or haven’t done.  Where I think I failed in what I was trying to do. Me trying to make someone happy or make something happen that I feel will make others (along with myself) happy.  Feeling then overwhelmed with the feeling of failure or not being good enough.

It’s that mind taking over again.  I have worked on this so much recently and tried to make myself busy when I feel myself starting up this rehearsed thought process in my head.  I have been doing so much better.  Yet just these last few weeks it still crept through my thoughts and hit me once again.

I had to go to Daddy and tell him, as he coaxed it out of me, what I was feeling and why.  He then reassured me and pointed out why I had no reason to feel this way and how great I have been doing where this is concerned.  He told me I have grown by leaps and bounds since we first met and how I have gone from a scared little girl to a more confident woman.  That I may not see it because of the small increments I have gone by, but that he sees it all the time and is proud of me for it.

His saying this made me feel so much better!

I do see my improvements but I guess I feel frustrated because I don’t want to fall into this mind trap anymore.  Yet I continue to do so.  And I understand that we all go through it to some extent or another.  Just some of us more so.  We learn to deal with it in the best way that we know how to.  I am learning every day of new ways of dealing with these mind issues.

I know i am good enough.  I know it is taking me some time to learn what to do and put into practice those things that help me through.  I hope by doing so, and sharing with you here, that I might can help others going through the same issues to understand they are good enough too.

KK xx

*Pic from Pinterest and From up North

Do you ever get scared?

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Do you ever get scared?

Being the over thinking, over analyzing person I am I do maybe a bit more than some.  Then again, maybe mine is like others as well.

Getting scared of things like making the wrong decisions; in relationships, things I do, things I say, people I contact, etc….  I don’t know if you would even call it scared. Maybe uncertainty, nervous, anxiety and things like that instead.

All I know is I have a lot of that any more.  Where I used to be confident in what I did, said, handled things, etc…, I no longer am that person anymore.  I really don’t get it.  Although, I am finding out so much more about me at this time in my life.  I am finding the me I never knew. I guess because I now have the time to do so.

I am finding this world that I have just existed on, has so much more to offer and to see than I ever knew.  I never opened myself up to more until recently and wow, there is so much to experience and be a part of! I want to get outside this box I have been living in and do so much more.  I’m excited about the thought, yet scared at the same time.

So here I am back to the initial thought.  Is it scared or something more?

KK xx

*Pic shared from Pinterest

100 Followers!

I know it’s silly, but I just realized I have 100 followers!! I am surprised, exited and thankful. When I started this blog I just wanted somewhere I could share my thoughts, outlooks and writings. I am getting to know some great people that share my views on things and that I learn a lot from too.

Thank you to all that follow me. I look forward to so much more!

KK xx

Experiences in this lifestyle

Since being with Daddy and delving into this D/s lifestyle, there have been so many things I never thought I would do, feel or experience.

From knowing I am submissive, to realizing so many kinks I never thought I would enjoy, it’s been a grand ride! I am learning so much and loving it. For I am one that loves to learn and experience new things all the time.

Let’s see how many things I can list:

  1. Daily pictures of both day time knickers and night time knickers
  2. Butt plug wearing
  3. Kegel balls wearing
  4. Vibrator by app play
  5. Play time with Daddy setting the scene and my imagination taking me right along with him to orgasm
  6. Daddy sending me play costumes to wear for him for playtimes
  7. Daddy sending me lingerie, stockings and a butt load of knickers (his passion)
  8. Daddy getting implements (paddles…so many paddles, crops, floggers, etc…), toys, blind folds…
  9. Going to places I’ve never been before
  10. Guidance in organizing my life
  11. Guidance in helping with my mantra
  12. Daddy giving me so much support in my writing and doing things I love doing, creative wise

I know there is more but stopping there. A great start to my experiences in this lifestyle❣️ Thank you, Daddy❤️

I hope it brought some great memories back to you with my sharing mine!

KK xx

*Pic found on Pinterest