Fried Brain

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Well…

My brain just feels fried right now.  Don’t know why.  It’s like it’s turned its creativity right off!  I can’t seem to get anything written so thought I would just type about what is going on, or not going on. Ha!

I guess everyone does this, but it’s very frustrating when you feel like you are just starting to get it.  I think it is so great how many of the bloggers have memes/prompts to help writers and other bloggers work up stories to share.  I know it has helped me.

And knowing this, I don’t want to stop because I can actually see my work getting a bit better.  So, why oh why does my brain feel it needs a break??

Okay, so, I will take a break right now, get some sleep and hopefully get back to it full force tomorrow!! 😉

Muah!

Kat xx

The Fear Is Real

fullsizeoutput_4bf7*Pic from Pixabay

This is not a sexy wicked story of fear.  This is real fear that is my truth to share today.  I have several fears I deal with daily.  Do you?

Mine from the past and present…Fear of disapproval, fear of letting people I love down and those around me down, fear of shame taking over, fear of losing those I love, fear of not being able to just be me and fear of losing myself again.

As a child I always had the fear of those around me, especially my parents, disapproving in me and the things I did.  Fear of not being good enough in the things  I did.  Or even just good enough for others to be around and love me.  I wanted to always make others happy and proud of me.  I avoided conflict as best I could and always was the one to try to make things better because of it.  I feared if I didn’t then I would lose the love and understanding of those around me that I loved, both family and friends.  I would feel shame if I did something wrong or what I saw as being wrong in other’s eyes.  Feeling this way was because of clues I would believe were there, such as shaking of the head, eyes looking into mine as if I was supposedly hiding something they had to find, a sigh or disappointing remark and then turning away;  so many ways for a then child up to young adult to see and take in a negative way.

Because of these things I was in constant fear of not doing things right.  Of not being good enough for anyone or for anything.  Fear that I would never find the right fit for a career, life, love, friendship, basically anything.

I felt that I wasn’t good enough in school, even though I graduated from both high school and college.   I got lower grades in both and ended up with a lower average, but still graduated and received my degree.  Proving right there I accomplished something, but in my mind it wasn’t good enough.  I know now that is wrong, but I still believed it.

Once I received my degree I started my career.  I was really good at it, to begin with, but I think with my self-doubt and feelings of not good enough, I self sabotaged myself.  Now I could be wrong in this self-analysis, but every time I did great at a job, I would end up not doing well and either looking for something new or being released from said job.

I know at the time I was married I thought and believed it was the one and only love I would need, throughout life.  Unfortunately circumstances changed and changed us to the point I felt I had lost and could not trust the relationship anymore because I had fought for it for so long and it never got better.  It was the one thing I did not give up on, for years, until I finally had to, for my own well being unfortunately.

Where friendships are concerned, I kept a safe distance from anyone.  I would get close and think I could trust and then something would happen to change the relationship or we just drifted apart.  I don’t know if this is once again self sabotage happening in these circumstances, but it happened, every time.  I have never had a really close friendship with anyone, and I think it was because in the past the person I trusted or got close to either stabbed me in the back or went away.  I felt I could never trust enough to hold on to someone who mattered that much to me.

I am not saying this for pity or for you to be sad for me.  It’s just a fact that I am coming to accept and understand and felt I should share.

I have friends now I consider close, but I am always on edge or on the lookout for the relationship to fail because of the past and that is not fair to those that are my friends. Not at all, and I know this.

So, even now, I have a hard time not being afraid that all these things will continue to be the same, happen in the same way as the past.  But I have to live my life the best way I can and I have to trust that things happen for a reason, people are in my life (or out of my life) for a reason and I am learning every day because of it.

The biggest fear I have over all is losing myself in all this.  I have before and I will not, repeat, will not, lose myself again.  I am finding myself again and learning to love the person I am, no matter what some might say, no matter how some might not approve.  I am me and I am accepting that and those around me need to, or unfortunately they need to move on.  I am working through my fears and feel confidant that one day I will be able to walk through them all, no matter how conflicted I am to do so.  I am surrounding myself with support and love.  Those that accept me for who I am now.

We all change, and hopefully for the better, because of ourselves and those around us.

Kat xx

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Our D/s and How Things Change

Slim, Girl, Beautiful, Model

*Picture from Pixabay.

This is a post I started writing a couple of months ago, but seeing a few others here talking about D/s and BDSM and the changes from what you believed when new and what you believe now, I decided to share too.

We (Daddy and I) have, what I think is, a great relationship.  Great communication, great understanding, great dynamic in our D/s relationship.  Don’t get me wrong, we have our disagreements.  We have our misunderstandings and, yes, we can both be hard-headed.  I am submissive, and yet I am what Daddy calls cheeky at times.  I speak my mind and can get fired up at times if I believe something strongly or feel someone I love is being hurt.  It’s just who I am.  But then, I have my submissive side, that loves to take care of things (especially Daddy) and do things to make him and others happy.  I love the way he takes care of me, protects me and guides me.  I respect him for who and how he is.

I have spent most of my life taking care of my family, being the one to make the decisions and be strong for those around me.  So that side of me comes out at times, when needed, when he expects me to follow his lead as his submissive.  And even though I fight it, I always go back to doing so.   It is that part of D/s that I need, to be able to hand over my control and follow his guidance so that I can find my centre, step away from the stress and anxiety, and just be his.

That being said, I have really changed my perspective and opinions since I was new to D/s and BDSM.  I know for a fact I was in what they call “sub frenzy” for the first year of finding, getting to know and understanding BDSM and D/s.  Any Dom that gave me attention or “wanted” me as theirs I immediately fell for.  I did anything I could to show them I was a great submissive.  It was all about showing how good I could be by doing as they said, even if it led me to get into trouble.  Or showing I could be so responsive to doing what they wanted me to sexually.  (Of course that was virtual, not actually in a RL situation)

I was very naive and trusting.  But, the more I researched, learned and talked to people, the more I realized there was so much more.  I finally decided I was being foolish, crazy and could get myself hurt, so was going to just keep researching and learning and not get involved with anyone.  Looking back, I was really lucky.  The only things getting hurt was my pride, self-esteem and feelings.

Then I met Daddy.  It’s always when you’re not looking that you meet a great person, especially one that makes a big difference in your life.  We just started talking, liked a lot of the same things, shared in a curiosity of certain things and just clicked.  Our friendship bloomed and for two people not looking for anyone, we have moved our relationship slowly to something so much more.  We are not only learning our own likes and dislikes, but each other’s as well.   Starting off as a LDR (long distance relationship) and working toward a RL 24/7 relationship is hard.  It is always proving difficult and frustrating but we are muscling through it and we will get there.

When we are together, I am happy and calm for the most part.  It is hard to be in this LDR, but we are both wanting it to go further once we are able to.  We both have things we are dealing with in our own separate lives to get us to that point.

We come together at times when we can, and feed off of one another and enjoy our time together where we can dive into our dynamic.  It never fails that we both fall into a low once we have to part, and I know we are even stronger in our love once we come back together.

We look forward to the day when we will be together all the time.  We know we will be in this lifestyle, in what is called a 24/7 D/s lifestyle.  A lifestyle where we will push and pull each other, having that power exchange in so many ways.  It will not always be a bed of roses, and we know this.  We will of course have ups and downs but we will continue to communicate, compromise and work together through our issues.  We will also enjoy learning and sharing new things together, as we already do.

I look forward to the future and what it holds for us.  It’s been a rocky road at times but I know everything we go through will be worth it in the coming years.

Just a song I have fallen in love with recently.  Enjoy!

Kat xx

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This Too Shall Pass

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My mind is going on and on non-stop.  It has been this way for the past few days.  There is so much happening in my life right now.  So much so that I haven’t been able to write much.  I have so much to do right now in my life that my brain is focusing on that instead.

It’s quite frustrating.  I’m actually surprised I am even focused enough to get the things done in my life that need to be done.  But, I am at least accomplishing that.  Then to calm my mind down, I am listening to a book and trying to relax.  I am hoping it is the way to get back to my writing and my creative side.  We will see I suppose.

I will get back to it, I know I will.  I just have to get past this crazy mind mess first.  As the saying goes, “This too shall pass.”

Kat xx

 

 

TMI Tuesday – Sex, Cereal and Ants

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1. What was your favorite part of yesterday?  Getting some things taken care of

2. If you could make your own porn movie, what would you call it? Would you write it, direct and/or star in the movie?  Oh crap! I have no idea! Hmmmm….. What about “Come With Me”  or “Make Me”! Ha!  I would have a part in all of it I think.  More fun that way! 😉

3. What do you like the least about sex?  Is there really something to like least about sex?? I mean, maybe when feeling insecure about myself….

4. So, now what are you planning to do?  About….?  Life? Sex? Tonight? Tomorrow?   Planning to do for what? Not sure, guess I will find out when it happens.

5. If you were a box of cereal, what would you be and why?  Fruit Loops!  I am a bit silly and fruity at times and a bit loopy….only makes sense 😉

Bonus: If you could shrink down to ant-sized, what would you do?  I would make sure I didn’t get stepped on! That wouldn’t be good! Sheesh!

Kat xx

See who else is having fun answering these TMI questions!

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There I Go Again

*Picture from Pixabay

I really hate when I have too much time and quiet on my hands.  I went through some anxiety and over thinking yesterday. Even while trying to keep myself busy and away from it. Hate that!

Was doing the anxious, overthinking, crying, believing false voices in my head kind of thing.  Here I thought I was getting away from that and handling things better than I have been. Not! At least not yesterday.

Thing is, when my man, my Daddy, is not here and I can’t be with him to share in something that means a lot to him and a lot to me, it spurs my mind to do that crazy stuff and put me in a mode I can’t deal with very well.  You know what I mean?

My mind’s voice starts working on me negatively.  Telling me things that are untrue and that make me fall into that depressive unhappy non-loving myself mode.

So I got in touch with a couple of close friends and they got me through the rest of the evening as well as talking to Daddy.

I am a blessed and lucky girl even though at times I don’t feel like it.

Kat xx

Glass Full – Friday Flash

My glass is so full.  Full of you and what you give to me daily.  The discipline, guidance, love and care.  The pain and pleasure that accompanies this.  When we are together its like we were never apart.  We go through a day like it was destined always to be so.  With working through things, enjoying each other, play times and rest.

When “working through things and enjoying each other”, it is bringing us closer on a level of the mind and strength in building our understanding of one another.

When play times come, it brings us closer emotionally through all the pain and pleasure and feeding off each other.  With the spankings, dress up and giving pleasure in the sex and love we share.

And when we are apart it is as though I go numb for a while, like I and my body are waiting patiently for the time we will be back together again.  But then you bring me back to the present and the working together even though apart.  For now it is the normal way we are.

You have given me so much so I always feel loved and blessed.  My glass is never half empty or half full.  It is always full of your love and my love for you.

Kat xx

Check out the other Friday Flash Posts here:

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